Exhausted by Numbers

I'm so tired of counting.

Counting the steps that I take everyday and the calories I've eaten and measuring my worth by the sum of the numbers left at the end of the day.

I'm exhausted by measuring. Measuring my benefit to the world by the size on the label of my jeans, by the number on the scale.

I am weary of tracking. Tracking the likes on my most recent Facebook post or the number of followers on my blog to determine if I was of value today.

I'm tapped out by the shrinking. The shrinking of my soul with every calorie and step and like counted for the day. By voice in my head that mocks me when the number on my scale rises or the number on my Fitbit doesn't meet the goal for the day.

I'm overwhelmed by the numbers. Digits flying to and fro in my mind but never really amounting to anything that matters in the world. I'm living a life consumed by numbers, statistics and sums that won't matter a damn bit at the end of my life. Numbers that really don't matter a damn bit now. And, yet, still- I am consumed by them.

Today I am firing my inner accountant and setting out to find a replacement that works to build me up instead of tear me apart from the inside out. I'm ready for an accountant of joy, that takes stock of the things in my life that matter: the things that will be spoken of after my death, the things that impact those around me in a positive way. There are plenty of those things to count and it is fine time that I forget about all of the other damn numbers.

I hope you will join me. Let us shuck off the numbers in favor of gathering ourselves up in love and tapping into the joy underneath the constant judgement- the joy that's been there all along and has been whispering for us to find it again.

5 Lies Your Depression Tells You When You Are Suicidal

Before you read this I want you to know that I'm not just some do-gooder on the Internet that doesn't understand what it feels like to be immersed in a dark hole so deep that you cannot remember the last time that you saw any light. 20 years ago I was in a deep depression and I tried to take my own life seven times. My final attempt to take my own life was nearly successful. So I've been in the deep dark place that you might be in now. I know that the fight for your own life, the fight to stay out of the pain which is unbearable, is a moment by moment fight.

I'm here to tell you that your depression is a liar. I'm here to tell you that there is life beyond this pain. I'm here to tell you all of the ways that your depression and your suicidality is a grievous liar. You mustn't believe the lies for a minute longer. 

Ways that your depression is lying to you: 

1.)Your life is already over. Bullshit. Are you still breathing? Is your heart still beating? Then you are still alive. And, your life is NOT over. 

It may feel as though you've screwed up beyond repair. I'm here to tell you there is no such thing as a life beyond repair. You may have messed up so royally that you believe that no one will ever forgive you. But there is life beyond this pain and there is life beyond whatever mistakes you have made. Please top believing that you are the only one that makes mistakes. Even the most wonderful person that you know has made a big, huge, grievous mistakes. No one is perfect and no mistakes that you have made cannot be overcome. 

2.) Your loved ones are better off without you. This one might be the biggest lie of them all. If you left this earth, especially if you left this earth by your own hands, you would create a hole in this world and a hole in your loved ones hearts that would never ever again be filled. You would create a pain within those that you love that would last the rest of their lives. You may be feeling like a failure right now but I cannot imagine a greater mistake then having your last act on earth be one that causes intense pain for each and every person that you love.

3.) The pain will never end. I know it feels like the pain will never end. I know it feels like each and every moment is years long as you are so mired in the pain. I know that it feels as though you cannot tolerate it for even a moment longer. I know that there is an end to this pain, that will happen without death. I cannot tell you when that ends will happen but I can tell you that the end is there somewhere. You may have to work for it, you may have to get help or take medication or reach out when you want to stay silent, but the end of the pain is out there on the horizon. No pain lasts forever, even the most crushing of pains. 

4.)  You should keep your thoughts about harming yourself quiet. Of course your depression, that beast, wants you to stay silent. Your depression wants to end your life. The black beast wants nothing more than to have you lying in a cold grave. There is great shame around depression, anxiety and suicidality. However, every time one of us chooses to talk about it, we erase some of that shame and stigma. There is no need for you to suffer in silence. Choose to do the opposite of what the beast wants you to do. I'm asking you, I'm begging you, to pick up the phone and call one person and tell them what you're struggling with. I'm asking you to ask for help even though it may be the hardest thing you ever do I'm asking you to give this life another chance before you take your own life.

5.) You're not worthy of love or life. Everyone is worthy of love, no matter the mistakes they've made. And, everyone is worthy of living- there is no qualification match to determine if you should be here. You might only see the negative things right now but if you could see inside the heads of those who love you(yes, there are people who love you- stop letting the depression tell you that there aren't) you would see so many things about you that are wonderful. If you try to talk to a therapist, try a new medication, try some new things to change your thoughts...I think that you will start to see them, too. 

I'm asking you to try to kill the beast, the beast that has been lying to you and whispering awful things in your ear every waking moment. Because there is an end to this crushing pain, because the world needs YOU, because even though you've made mistakes there are people that love you and would be in undescribable pain if you were no longer here. 

I know that you are tired and weary. I know that just getting out of bed seems like an astronomical task. I'm just asking you to call someone you love, right this minute and tell them about the thoughts that you've been thinking about taking your own life. I'm begging you to try some different things and see if you can see the world through a different light.

The world needs you. Yes, you. There is a purpose here that only you can fill. 

Twenty years ago, I nearly left the world by my own hands. I am so glad to still be here. I am happy(not always, but most days), I love life, I have people around me that love me and I am doing my best to make a difference in this world. I am here for a purpose, just like you are. 

Won't you join me on the other side of the pain? 

Please, don't leave us. We need you. Won't you please stop listening to all of the lies that your depression is telling you and take the first step in your journey to the good things on the other side of this pain?

Right this minute, I beg of you to call, text or message someone and tell them how you are feeling. If you cannot bring yourself to say this to someone you love, please use the information below. There is help for you. I swear it.

You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or live chat with someone here. These resources are available 24/7.

I'll be waiting for you in the light on the other side of the darkness. It is there even if you can't yet feel it. 

Readers- if you have ever struggled with suicidality or know someone that attempted or completed suicide, I am asking you to comment below with "You are not alone." so that everyone who comes to this page feels a little less alone on a their dark journey that feels so painfully solitary. Thank you. 

Facebook Falsity and Moments of Grace

A picture came up in my personal Facebook account from 3 years ago. We're at the beach and we all look so happy and content. It was a wonderful day. 

What you can't see in that picture is that behind the camera I was struggling with several anxiety and an exacerbation of PTSD. Earlier in that year I had a knife waved in my face during a patient visit and it woke the beast of my PTSD that I had struggled with 20 years earlier after being raped. 

Life isn't always as perfect as Facebook posts make it seem- there are often deep struggles behind the scenes. This picture reminded me of that. It also reminded me that there are moments of bliss even in the middle of a storm. That day I remember sitting by the water watching my kids and my heart stopped racing and I felt calm for the first time in months. 

Facebook can make me feel intensely lonely. All the posts of perfect relationships, perfectly put-together children, tidy houses, etc. can make me feel like a big goddamned failure. I have to consistently remind myself that there are more to these lives than their Facebook perfection. Everyone struggles. Everyone. And, no one's life is perfect. 

This picture was taken at Cordova Tower on our way to the beach. It somehow perfectly captures that day- a black tower of dread with just a hint of sunshine blooming through. There is hope everywhere. 

We all struggle. It's easy to look through Facebook and feel as though you're the only one but it's not true.  You are not alone, Love. And, it's going to be okay.

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In Defense of Antidepressants

It's strange the things that trigger our smallness, our anxiety, our deepest fears-- isn't it?

Today a friend posted that she is off of antidepressants. Yay! I was seriously so happy for her. She's worked hard to get to this place.

I commented on her status that I am currently on Lexapro but would like to get off of it soon. It seems frightening though, to try to wean myself off of that tiny white pill.  I only take the lowest available dose, but it keeps the Black Beast at bay and the thought of going without it is frightening.

So, other friend-- a good, kind person-- posted that her husband is off antidepressants, too. Of course she's proud. Their family has gone through so much. But, then came a comment that hit my heart HARD. She said that "it's all about how you work through the bad days." Which is certainly true, we have to learn to deal with the bad days. What my heart, the one that has dealt with depression and anxiety since my early teenage years, heard however was that because I have chosen a few times in my life to take antidepressants-- that I am WEAK. That's not what she meant, of course, but that was what my demons decided to whisper to me.

I just must say as one that has weathered PTSD, depression and anxiety for over twenty years, that sometimes antidepressants are necessary. In fact, they saved my life more than once-- when I was suicidal after being raped as a teenager, and when I had severe postpartum depression/anxiety/psychosis after my middle child was born. I truly believe that I would not be here if is weren't for the assistance of an SSRI(a type of anti-depressant that works well for me). I had a chemical imbalance that needed correcting. If that chemical imbalance were of a medical nature, not mental health, people would come out screaming if I tried to wing it med-free. They'd scream out for me to manage my diabetes, my cancer, whatever it was that were plaguing my body. However, if we take anti-depressants we are deemed weak.

I cry bullshit to that societal untruth.

There are certainly times that people can go without such meds to manage their mental health. And, dammit-- there are many times that they are needed. Clinical depression is so much more than managing a "bad day". Somedays I fight like hell simply to get out of bed and to go out in the world when the Black Beast looms over me. I lose control over my thoughts, my body, my relationships and my life. I start to think about ending it all. It's fucking scary.

So, I'm posting her just to give a voice to someone that needs a goddamned pill to make it through the day right now. I won't be on this med for life. In fact, the vast majority of my life has been med-free. But, I need it right now and that doesn't make me weaker than you because you can weather your bad days without a pill. Depression isn't a "bad day", it's a life-stealer. A demon that can steal everything from you so fucking quickly that it takes your breath away. A chemical imbalance that can turn your life into darkness in a moment. 

I stand here tall and say that I'm living my life with bravery, pill a day or not.

I stand here telling you that Lexapro saved my life.

I stand here asking you to have some compassion for those of us that are fighting to step out of the darkness, one step at a time.

I stand here with clinical depression and anxiety, still choosing to use my life to help others even when the Black Beast wants me to be silenced by the darkness.

I stand here in defense of those who need antidepressants to survive. We are not alone and we will not be shamed.

Inside

This week I met a couple of people in person that I had communicated with for a long time via Facebook/text, etc. 

Meeting someone for the first time in person is very hard for me. I'm incredibly scared of rejection. 

If I had the courage to speak my heart to those that I meet for this first time, this is what I would say-

I know that I am not society's idea of a beautiful woman. I have strong features and care little about my physical appearance. Please love me anyway. 

I know that I am overweight. I've struggled with my weight for years. I have PCOS which makes gaining easy and losing slow. I am highly sensitive and often drown myself in food and drink to cover the pain even though I loathe myself for doing so. Please befriend me anyway. 

I have no fashion sense. I am most comfortable in my hippie skirts, bare feet and threadbare Beatles t-shirts. My hair is often a mess and sometimes I don't even bother to match my clothes. Clothing seems so unimportant to me but I know how important these things can be to others. Please get to know who I am inside. 

I can be socially awkward. I feel the pain of the world in my heart and often want to talk about deep, deep issues. I hate the small talk that permeates our society- I want to know the real you, not about the weather and such. I know this isn't the social norm. Please hear me out anyway. 

I can be hard to get to know. I have been burned badly, especially by women. It can take a year or more before I let you all the way in. I am the most loyal person you will ever know. Please give me the time to trust you.

My outsides will never match what it shown on a magazine cover. Never. I could probably handle you rejecting my physicality. However- I, like everyone else, am really the person that is inside me. Please give that person a chance.

The Beast of Not-Enough

I am slowly realizing that the root of my anxiety is a deep, deep feeling not being enough. Not a good enough person, nurse, wife, mother, woman...the list goes on and on. 

I don't remember a time that I did feel as though I was enough- worthy, deserving, valuable- not even in childhood. There is a pervasive fear within me that I will fail over and over again and the world around me will have proof of unworthiness. Or, that the world around me will come crashing down upon me to punish me for my not-enoughness. It is a constant and unreasonable fear that lies as deep as the DNA at the core of who I am. 

The world knows who it expects me to be- a perfectly dressed and coifed mother that is successful in her career, volunteers actively in her community, busy rearing children that are perfect carbon-copies of my own perfection all while living in a perfectly clean and decorated home with fresh, whole foods at the ready.  I'm not sure if any other women have ever managed this feat(my worried mind can think of more than a few that from appearances alone surely seem to be managing it) but I fail at this day after day. And, yet- it isn't the failure of the world's ideal of a mother, of a woman that is the core of my feeling of unworthiness- for even on days when I manage to have it all together, still this feeling of not enough persists, ugly and screaming underneath my carefully shellacked and ever smiling exterior. 

I fear that the not enough gene is woven within my cells in a way that it can never be untangled. It lies in wait for any bit of weakness so that it can come bursting through to haunt me. 


I've come so far with my anxiety and even my feelings of worthiness. However, I am realizing just how persistent this icky core belief is. I cannot tell you the root of it- I simply don't ever remember a time that I felt truly worthy of good things. As I age, I am realizing that this belief seems to be common among other women(and I imagine men, too). I think that many of my large life decisions have been made as the Beast of Not-Enough fervently whispered in my ear. It likely played a large part in my decision to become a nurse- I thought that if I helped enough people, I would become worthy. Worthy of what? I would go as far to say that there have been times in my life that I wondered if I was worthy of life, itself. 

I have sacrificed of myself in order to build others up as they seemed ever so much more worthy than I but this sacrifice did not lend itself to my own healing. 

I wonder if it is time to try something new. If it is time to expend my own energy to find my own sense of worth, far outside of the expectations of society. If it is time to find forgiveness inside of myself for my own imperfections and show my children how strong and happy their Mama can be. 


I am ready. Ready to conquer and destroy the Beast of Not-Enough. 

Slow Dancing with Life: Stopping Antidepressants

I have suffered with bouts of depression and anxiety ever since I was a child- I would guess that these fits of sadness began sometime in grade school. I have always been a highly sensitive person and feel the sadness of others in a very deep way, often taking it on as a personal burden.  At times, these feelings become overwhelming and I become trapped in a world of deep sadness and anxiety, frightened to even leave my bed.

I was sixteen when I was placed on antidepressants for the first time. I remember the feeling of freedom when the Prozac took effect and I no longer felt the oppression of a constant stream of bleak thoughts that I felt I had no control over. With this freedom also came numbness, an inability to truly feel joy, but I was so grateful for the lifted weight that the numbness seemed a small price to pay.

In the past twenty years I have had three periods in which I was on antidepressants for a short period of time- the most harrowing time of which was the extreme postpartum depression I had after the birth of my second child.  I consider myself lucky to not have to be constantly dependent on medication, but struggle with asking for help when I know that I am in another bout of depression.

Early this year I took the last Lexapro in the bottle and realized that I was out of refills. With a start I realized that I had been on Lexapro for two years- a much longer period of time than I was comfortable with. I had asked the doctor for a prescription when I realized that the latest bout of depression was out of control and I was having trouble sleeping, eating and going about my day-to-day life. However, I had never meant for the antidepressants to be a long-term solution. I knew that it was time to come off of them and learn to manage my life again.

I admit that it is terrifying to live again without antidepressants, when they have helped to manage my emotions for such a long time. I fear the terrible sadness but fear the unreasonable anxiety even more. When my anxiety is at its worst, I cannot sleep and am frightened and jumpy at all times. It can be a living hell.

In the first months without the medication, I am always surprised at the myriad of emotions I experience. I do notice more sadness and anxiety when I am medication-free but I also notice more joy and energy. Anti-depressants leave me feeling a heavy, measured slowness and without that feeling I feel more alive than ever. If I manage my self-care, the days of depression are few and far between.

I find that life comes at me in stops and starts- days of joy punctuated with days of sadness that only envelope me for a short time before releasing me from their sticky grip back into the arms of happiness. When the days of depression are few, I can sink into the feelings and release them when I am though, even finding worth in the days of sadness as my creative soul tends to come alive and I bleed ink onto the page without any laboring.  I dance with the grief and sadness as easily I spin in the arms of joy, the contrast of the two reminding me that every feeling has a purpose.

For today, I will slow dance with life without medication streaming through my veins. I will find the worth in the good days and the bad and care for myself in the same loving way as I care for my beloved children. However, if there comes a day in which it is, again, time to ask unabashedly for help and an antidepressant prescription to manage the darkness, I will do so unashamed.  This life is a blessing and a curse and some days we all need a little help towards the light.

Magnesium for Anxiety Reduction and Sounder Sleep(and a giveaway!)

I am a huge proponent of the use of magnesium to help with anxiety reduction and sounder sleep. No supplement/mineral will work for everyone and each individual should talk with their doctor in deciding if magnesium supplementation and transdermal(simply magnesium absorbed through the skin, some studies show that our bodies gather more magnesium via skin versus through diet) use is a good idea for them.

What is magnesium and why is it important?

Magnesium is a vital nutrient that should be found in our body in large amounts. Magnesium is used by your body in many different biochemical reactions. Our ancestors likely kept their magnesium levels high with a steady diet of meat(including organ meats), water that naturally had magnesium in it and vegetables and fruits grown in soil rich with magnesium. In modern times many of us rarely consume organ meat, water processing methods now remove magnesium for our public drinking water and our soil has been depleted of magnesium. The National Institute of Health reports that the recommended daily intake of magnesium for adults is 320-420 mg and the average daily intake in the US is just 250 mg. In addition to the low daily intake of magnesium, stress also causes our bodies to waste magnesium. In our hectic and stressful modern society, I can only imagine that we are wasting magnesium in our bodies at a high rate.

There are many ways that low magnesium can impact the human body. In my personal experience, low magnesium appears to cause depression, anxiety and increased insomnia.

How do I increase my magnesium other than dietary changes?

Epsom Salt Baths

Insomnia is something that I have struggled with since childhood. So, when a friend told me several years ago that she was using epsom salt baths several times per week to increase her magnesium levels for better sleep at the suggestion of her doctor, I decided instantly that I would try it. After all, I loved to soak in the bath with a good book so what did I have to lose?

You can pick up epsom salts online such as at amazon -(Epsoak Epsom Salt 19.75 Lbs - 100% Pure Magnesium Sulfate, Made in USA) - however, you can find it at any drug store or with the over the counter medication in your local grocery store for much cheaper. I don't recommend the scented types as I have yet to find a brand scented with essential oils or other natural scents. I do, however highly recommend adding a few drops of your favorite essential oils to the epsom salts before putting them in your bath- it just adds to the lovely experience.

For a good epsom soak run your bath water very warm and add a minimum of 2 cups of epsom salts. Soak for a least 20 minutes and hopefully you will be as utterly relaxed as I am after an epsom bath!

Oral Magnesium

I sometimes take oral magnesium at night before bed. It does help me calm down but it does often cause some loose stools, as well(magnesium is also used as a laxative). If you are someone that struggles with constipation, as well, this may be a positive side effect. If not, start with a small dosage to see how your body adapts. I use a brand called Ultra Calm found here- (Natural Vitality Natural Calm Raspberry Lemon 16 oz). I have also tried the generic brand and you can save quite a bit of money that way- I personally found the taste to be terrible on the two generic brands that I tried. I imagine if you added the generic brands to juice instead of water it would be tolerable. 

Magnesium Lotion or Oil

I have not been able to find magnesium oil or lotion in my local area, so I purchase this from amazon. I began using the magnesium oil on my neck and shoulders when I would get tension headaches(which start in my neck). It really helps to relax the muscles and seems to ease the headache, as well. The magnesium oil I use is found here- Magnesium Oil 8 fl oz (237 ml) Liquid. I find that it lasts a very long time.

I started rubbing magnesium oil on my girls' feet before bed to help them sleep(it has been very successful) but they did not like the consistency of the oil so I purchased lotion for them. You can find the type that I used here -(Ancient Minerals Magnesium Lotion - 8oz Bottle).

After we ran out of the lotion one night, I improvised by adding the magnesium oil to some whipped coconut oil and lavender essential oil and the girls loved it. We did this for several months until I decided to look on Etsy to see if someone was already making a similar product(hey, I'm a working Mom of three- I'll cut corners anyway that I can!)

Low and behold- I found exactly what I was looking for at a cute little shop called Simply Owl Natural. This product is now a standby at my house.

The use of magnesium supplementation has, over time, decreased my anxiety, dramatically decreased my migraines and increased sleep quality for myself and my children. It is something that I recommend everyone research and decide if it would be helpful in your own life. 

Note: I was not paid for my mention of Simply Owl Natural products. All opinions are my own and I am simply a fan of the brand! 

Also, all Amazon links are affiliate links, meaning that if you purchase the item I receive a very small percentage of profits. I am a huge proponent of shopping local so please check your local stores and buy your products anywhere that works well for you!

Giveaway! *******giveaway has now ended- Mama On A Mission is our winner!********

Now, the fun part! I reached out to Simply Owl Natural to tell her that I was including her product in my blog post and they kindly offered to give away a care package for one lucky blog reader! 

The products that one winner will receive are as follows:

2 oz. magnesium lotion

Lip balm

Itch Stick

2 oz. vapor rub

Such a decadent care package for yourself or a loved one for the upcoming cold and flu season. 

Entry is easy! There are two methods of entry and you can do both for two entries into the giveaway. 

1) Favorite Simply Owl Natural's shop on Etsy here and comment below noting that you did so. 

2) Like Simply Owl Natural's Facebook page here and comment below noting that you did so. 

Please use separate comments for each entry. Giveaway will end at 8 pm Central Standard Time on Sunday, November 1st and the winner will be chosen via the random number generator at random.org. US entries only at this time, please. 

Tips from the Zen RN: May Cause Miracles

I am starting a new series of resources that have been really helpful to me in search of the zen life. This book is at the top of my list.

I have had a really negative inner-voice for all that I can remember of my life. A REALLY negative inner-voice. If I were to be truly frank, I would say that the voice in my head is a raging bitch. She tends to criticize me in every way that she can.

*sigh*

A few years ago, I happened upon some podcasts of Gabby Bernstein's and fell instantly into adoration for her candor, kindness and optimism.

In the spring of 2013, I found myself deep in a depression and anxiety filled darkness. When I saw this book on the shelf at my library, I snapped it up and began the work the very same day. My life was completely changed in that forty days- no exaggeration.

The daily work(taking only a few minutes per day, preferably in the morning) truly transformed my inner critic into a more loving voice(hey, it's not complete magic- the bitch still rears her head but now I know how to turn my fear around). It took my anxiety from a 10 to a 2. Those changes alone were true miracles for me and I have now purchased the book for a multitude of friends, who reported similar dramatic change.

This book is now in my toolbox of tricks to make changes when life overwhelms me and I have read it three times now. Highly recommended if the voice of fear has taken over your mind on a daily basis.



                                                   

What books have you read that have changed your life? I would love to hear from you!

Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I think that it is time we parted ways. I realize that my need to be rid of you may be shocking. After all, in many ways it was I who courted you. And, when my mind could not find rational reasons to invite you into my life, I made up completely fictional reasons. It is a sickness really.

I know that your influence in my life has not been completely negative. There were many days that your constant presence in my spinning mind, my churning tummy and bitten-to-the-quick fingernails made me push harder, prepare longer and finish stronger.

However, there were also the bad times. Many, many bad times. Sleepless nights. Paranoia over ridiculous things. Migraines. Stomach ulcers. And, the very worst of all-an inability to be present in truly joyous moments, especially those with my children.

You have been a force to be reckoned with in my life, in the most destructive of ways. I can never recover the hours that I spent with you as my closest companion.

In someways this is a bittersweet ending. I cannot remember a time without you, Anxiety. You have been my constant counterpart. Even my earliest memories include you. You have been an ever-present voice in my head reminding me of my every fault.

But, you know that I've been doing some inner work these past years. Meditation. Yoga. Journaling. Focusing on positive thoughts. Reading books and blogs that light my way to a brighter future. I feel better than I ever have. And yet- you persist to sneak in every moment that I let my guard down.

I feel that the only way to truly let you go is with a clean break. This is your official notice that you are no longer welcome here.

Sincerely,

Mandi

Depression, Anxiety and How They Make Me a Better Mother

I have had life-long struggles with depression and anxiety. When I say life-long, I mean that I cannot remember a time when I did not have periods of intense anxiety and debilitating sadness. As I age, I have found more and more coping mechanisms and feel like I am struggling less and less. But, the struggle is still real- and more frequent- than I would like.

I remember as a child, many people telling me to just "cheer up" and "stop taking things so seriously". So, I learned to put on a false face of cheer and face the world even as the sadness and fear raged within. I did not learn to cope until adulthood when I began to actively seek coping mechanisms.

I have been doing ever so much better in my adulthood. I have many more days of happiness than sadness, more days of calm than anxiety. However, I do still have periods of depression and anxiety- sometimes extreme, debilitating periods.

I was in a funk recently. Stuck in irrational fight-or-flight anxiety over things that were certainly not life threatening and didn't deserve the constant, debilitating fear I was feeling. I knew in my rational mind that this fear made no sense, but depression and anxiety(those Bitches!) never listen to my rational mind. I was aware that I was not being present with my children at the time nor was I as patient as I usually hope to be as a mother.  It, of course, only increased said funk and I was beating myself up over this at bedtime.

As I was berating myself(something that I excel at, unfortunately), I also began to think of how I interact with my kids when they are having a bad day/sadness/anxiety. I realized that the way that I respond to them would have been incredibly helpful to me when I was a child. I am able to comfort them and assist them with finding their own coping mechanisms so hopefully they can arise into adulthood with an already full bag-of-tricks for managing the shit storms of depression and anxiety when they blow into their lives. Even in my worst times, I try my very best to be endlessly available and open with my children. I wish ever so much more for them than I have had for myself.

So, when we are stuck in our own shit storms, Mama and Papa Bears of the world, remember that your own struggles are making you stronger. Remember that the ways you find to cope are helpful learning opportunities for your children. Remember that showing your own imperfections is a reminder to your children that perfection is a gross falsity.

Shine on, Dear Ones. Reach deep into your parental soul and remember that you are ever so much more than enough to do this hella hard business called parenting. Your children will one day be grateful for your struggles and the lessons you had to show them.