Monday, March 23, 2015
I think that it is time we parted ways. I realize that my need to be rid of you may be shocking. After all, in many ways it was I who courted you. And, when my mind could not find rational reasons to invite you into my life, I made up completely fictional reasons. It is a sickness really.
I know that your influence in my life has not been completely negative. There were many days that your constant presence in my spinning mind, my churning tummy and bitten-to-the-quick fingernails made me push harder, prepare longer and finish stronger.
However, there were also the bad times. Many, many bad times. Sleepless nights. Paranoia over ridiculous things. Migraines. Stomach ulcers. And, the very worst of all-an inability to be present in truly joyous moments, especially those with my children.
You have been a force to be reckoned with in my life, in the most destructive of ways. I can never recover the hours that I spent with you as my closest companion.
In someways this is a bittersweet ending. I cannot remember a time without you, Anxiety. You have been my constant counterpart. Even my earliest memories include you. You have been an ever-present voice in my head reminding me of my every fault.
But, you know that I've been doing some inner work these past years. Meditation. Yoga. Journaling. Focusing on positive thoughts. Reading books and blogs that light my way to a brighter future. I feel better than I ever have. And yet- you persist to sneak in every moment that I let my guard down.
I feel that the only way to truly let you go is with a clean break. This is your official notice that you are no longer welcome here.