We Cannot Always Choose Happy

I’m one of those people that always have positive quotes posted around me. I struggle with anxiety and depression and having inspiration posted around me helps me to keep my mind straight. My cubicle at work, my car, my home, my coffee mugs-- they are all covered in positive quotes, memes and photos. Yes—I’m THAT person.

Recently, however, I have been struggling with a bout of sadness. I have found myself raw with feeling as I navigate working through the mourning of being a victim of a violent crime twenty years ago and finally working through the mess of my feelings that comes with that. I’ve found myself struck with tears at the most inopportune of times and suffering through the nervousness and jumpiness that comes with having my fight or flight system ‘on’ twenty-four hours per day. I am a bundle of uncomfortable emotions, just barely held together enough to continue with my day-to-day life.

I’ve found that in this raw state that I cannot tolerate the false cheerfulness of quotes pasted over a bright sunshine or motivational talks to let go of my sadness and smile. It just doesn’t ring true to me where I am right now, in this place of darkness. I am exhausted by false cheer. There are some days that I must sink into the melancholy of life. 

I have a friend on social media that is always posting the words ‘Choose happy’. She is a lovely person that lives her life trying to help others. However, I had to temporarily hide her posts. I believe that there are times that we can, indeed, choose happy. There are also times that we must feel the shitty emotions-- the pain, the sadness, the grieving-- and not doing so is detrimental to our souls. I cannot at this time in my life deny these emotions that I have denied for twenty years.

This time has been a great lesson to me. In my personal life and in my work as a nurse I have spent many hours cheering people up. I hope to continue to do so. However, I must also allow those suffering to truly feel their emotions and not encourage them to paste a false smile over their raw emotions-- doing so is a toxic mistake.

We have become a society that has forgotten the value of our ‘negative’ emotions. We hide behind pretty selfies and cheerful social media posts when inside we are reeling. We have forgotten how to allow ourselves permission to have bad days and to experience the heavy emotions that can come with life.

I will choose happy another day. However, for today I will feel the crushing sadness, the grief and the anger. I will ignore the cheerful quotes and pretty pictures and instead immerse myself inside the pain. I will allow myself to burn inside the fire that been kindling in my heart for twenty years and has been denied the chance to flame. I will emerge from the fire stronger than ever before. I will be lighter without this burden and instead of pasting on a false smile over my pain; my smile on the other side of this will be true and real.

There is nothing wrong with honoring all of your emotions. I get to choose. You get to choose. There is no shame in not choosing happy for today. Happiness will still be waiting for you tomorrow. True happiness is not the smile pasted over your tears, it is the happiness that shines through after you’ve worked through all of the shit that weighs your heart down. It’s often not an easy journey—I hope you choose to take it anyway.

Come Undone: Ode to the Overworked Mamas

Women are expected to keep it together no matter what. We are the nurturers and the heart-center of our families. We work from sun-up to sun-down to make sure that everyone has what they need--often at the cost of our own bodies and sanity. 

Sometimes however,  we need to allow ourselves to come undone. 

To fall facedown into our pillow and cry until our tears are spent. 

To lock ourselves into the bathroom and cry under a running shower. 

To cancel the work meeting, PTA phone tree or coffee with an acquaintance that you really aren't needed at and really didn't want to go to so that you can have that internal freak out that has been brewing for months. 

To park in an empty parking lot and lay your weary head on the steering wheel, turn your damn phone off and cry until your eyes are raw. 

Come undone. 

Let go of the bullshit that's been stacking up on your shoulders for ages. 

Come the hell undone. The world and it's expectations will wait for you--I promise. This is your moment, Love. Fall apart. I swear that you will come back together again.

Allow yourself to be free of expectations if only for a moment. Allow your shoulders to be free of the weight of the world. Just be delightfully goddamned free of all the bullshit. 

Come undone. 

My God, doesn't it feel go to LET GO? 

You can have it all together again tomorrow. No one needs to know. Just allow yourself the respite, the freedom of coming undone. You deserve every moment, Darling. 

Come undone. 

It's going to be okay. It is.

Embracing Our Emotions(why it's okay to be a crybaby)

As a child I was often mocked for my propensity to tears. I feel things strongly and would often cry if another classmate cried, if the book I was reading became sad, if a teacher was harsh with another student-- you get the idea. There were children that chose not to be friends with me because I was a "Crybaby".

As I became older I found many other coping mechanisms and found myself crying in public less and less. I still cried in private as I found that crying was a great release of the pain and sadness that I often felt, particularly at the end of the day after being bombarded by the sadness and pain of others all day. As an empath, I have always been sensitive to the feelings of others and having a "release valve" is important.

I find that, particularly as an adult, crying has a stigma attached to it. Many perceive crying as a sign of weakness. I believe that such a thought could not be further from the truth.

The emotional and physical release of crying(which is believed to assist our body in releasing stress hormones and toxins) allows us to purge ourselves of negative feelings and move on with our life. Without a form of release, we do not have the emotional space within us to continue to tackle life at a deeper level. I believe that crying makes us stronger human beings.

So, the next time your child falls to tears, do not be so quick to shush them. Put an arm around them and allow them the emotional space to release what is bothering them.

When your notoriously emotional co-worker has tears streaming down their face, allow them to purge their feelings and move back to work.

This life can be hard. We all need healthy ways to release the stress, the sadness, the anger. If crying is your way, embrace it. Life is too short to carry unnecessary burdens. Release what you no longer need.

Have a good cry today if you need one, Lovelies. I'll pass you the tissues.