Saturday, September 10, 2016

Vulnerability Hangovers

Today, as I shared my final message for suicide prevention week and went deep to share some of the gritty details, I felt so vulnerable and exposed and raw that I felt ill. I still feel ill. 

I feel as though my being is scattered all over the world with every person that read my words or saw my Facebook live post. It left me feeling empty and sad and scared. 

Here in Iowa today is a big day- two of our college teams(the University of Iowa v. Iowa State University) have a football showdown. It's like a state holiday here and everyone shuts down and watches the game. We went to a pre-game party and I realized that every part of my body ached. It hurt to talk to people and it hurt to listen. It hurt to be a part of a group but it hurt just as badly to sit by myself. My body and mind were screaming in every atom of my being. 

We came home and instead of watching the game with my family, I am sitting alone by the fire. It feels better here. 

Years ago if I was hurting this badly, I would've thought that it meant that I did something wrong. I have realized with age, that this vulnerability hangover is natural, too and might actually be a sign that I did something right. 

You see, when you run a marathon or do a new workout, your body hurts. But, we know that means that we are growing new muscles, that discomfort and pain can be a sign that we're getting stronger. 

A vulnerability Hangover can happen when you've taken your life and gone raw and real and big. And, your soul can hurt afterward. Why? Because your soul and your purpose are growing. And, growth almost never happens without pain. 

So, I'm listening to my body and mind that are telling me to seek solace and rest. After all, I've run a soul marathon. It's time to hunker down and allow my soul to strengthen. My spirit muscles are growing. 

It's time to rest.

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